to the steps of man

[machinery]

I. a chaste youth chasing credentials

we were a gathering in the waterway, burning dead wood
and sitting on moldy couches,
drinking economical beer and sharing cigarettes;
we were striving for a remembrance.

we were in the backseat of a topaz,
giggling about our hands? whereabouts.
while exchanging throws of clothes,
our beer became tepid, but mouths moistened one another
and we were near the finish line of being bare.

in each other?s eyes,
hers? widening with each bite of my lip; legs kept shifting weight.
our fog developed; she made handprints and noises.
as our sweat became one, so did our bodies? motions.


II. a male with a minor memory

we were in fresh air, again fully clad.
no longer exhaling rapidly,
we returned to the populated waterway
to the fire giving off a carroty hue
and the population wearing sneers and covered mouths.

we, the two from midnight shadows, basked
in our own tone, wore smiles.
we both asked for cigarettes and
made our way towards the cooler.

i exhaled clouds for furthering my conquest of female;
the smoke rolled like the cornfield that surrounded
us as i watched her cool her tomato paste cheeks
with pieces of ice.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ September 18, 2004 10:31 PM: Message edited by: machinery ]</font>

[sarafina mable]

wow, i've read this a few times since you posted it and i don't know what to say about it except that i think you did a great job. i'll try to figure out a way to be more specific, but i didn't want it to sit without comments b/c it deserves them.

[machinery]

pick out the phrases that don't fit, what you don't like...

rip the canvas of my mind.

i'll post a sticky as to what i'm talking about.

[sarafina mable]

"she made handprints and noises.
as our sweat became one, so did our bodies? motions."

this is really something i don't like about the piece, the rest seems exploding with descriptions that were relatable but still new to my mind. i knew this was coming, there is an obvious space for it, but i think it definitly doesn't do enough justice to the piece as a whole. there is something overused and uninspired about these lines, especially since they are the 'ending' of the first section.

"our fog developed;"-- the only reason i didn't include this in what i just mentioned is b/c i like the idea of 'our' fog. there is something unique about the phrasing; on first reading though, this line falls perfectly with the lack of inspiration the following lines contain.

[Hannibal]

Wow - talk about coming back with a vengance.
I'm thrilled to read this - i mean... wow.
I just really really enjoyed it.
I'm not quite as good at voicing particular things about poetry as Sarafina - but man - I really liked this, - it was crisp and.... wonderful.
hats off to you man.
This poem is the bees knees.

[machinery]

hey ladies and gents:

yea, i've been out of commision as of late, well since last christmas...

i don't know, i've just been uninspired, just working all the time, not going to school falling out of love and back in and back out and back in and fucking so on...

but now, i'm back in school taking a creative writing class to get my juices flowing again...and well right now it's just about my girlfriend. i know chris, weak...i always tend to write about women...but i found the female to be utterly amazing...just like cummings...i don't know...maybe i fall in love too easy....

but as for now i'm working on a sestina for my first major poetry assignment due on the 30th....

you all should give it a whirl too...

i'm caught up on writing about man vs. machinery vs. nature or

the funeral of my sister

don't know, been tinkering with both...tomorrow i'll post both and see what you think....

as for now, it's wilco and whiskey!

[Fliptastic29]

simply amazing is all i have to say...i feel like such a loser now when i right my poetry. Thanks a lot now i actually have to try [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Hannibal]

Nah dude - writing about women ain't weak... hehehe..
I love your writing.. very evolved.
Just glad to see you back scripting tons of stuff... it's been a long time..